There is an intense emphasis on finding a new mate, as quickly as possible. The problem, of course, is that sooner or later you wake up and realize you have less in common with these replacements than you thought you did and now (if you were foolish enough to rush into getting remarried, as many do in the first 3 years after a divorce) you are stuck in a worse situation than the first one. Only then do you have a real chance to grow, to change, to learn who you are, why you ended up where you did, how you came to be there, where you want to go. You tucked them away long ago, you had to, there was no room for them in that relationship. It is the destruction of together-dreams, forever-dreams, family-dreams, love-dreams.
I lived alone for 10 years (17-27) before getting married. I'd rather be alone than be in a marriage that isn't working, that's irrevocably broken (and I have no regrets over that, for me, it was not a choice). When an addict becomes sober, emotionally, they're the age they were when they started using. You begin to think in a new way, free of the paradigms and mindprisons that had to be created in order to keep a broken marriage functioning. It takes a willingness to surrender completely to every weakness inside yourself, to forgive, forgive, forgive... Only then will you know that you have done the right thing. The lesson: Don’t date a goy or the ultimate destruction of world Jewry will be your fault.Flash forward to 2017, and for many American Jews, myself included, there has been a seismic shift in how we view intermarriage.In truth, I believe there is very little risk that my dating non-Jews will result in one of my descendants being an Amalekite.My former wife, Eileen Ansel Wolpe, and I have remained very close. A friend of her's recently told her he was contemplating divorce and asked her advice from the other side. When he pressed further, she gave an answer so wise and insightful that I asked her permission to post it for the benefit of others. Divorce is a hard path, a long, circuitous journey that is not something you can control. And, there are some nasty little secrets that no one tells you (but I will, right now). I'm not even sure my telling you can save you from this fate. It takes time to regrow bones and skin and sinew and soul.